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Not Mainstream

I picked up an old journal of mine from 2002. I was in the midst of suffering the loss of a friendship that validated me as “mainstream”. This woman was a popular, well loved, easy going (“Golden”) doctor. She was married to her first boyfriend and they were a model Christian couple. And she liked me!

When our friendship ended, I felt like I lost my only chance to “be like everyone else”.

I remember wanting to come out to her, to tell her than even if I was married, deep down inside I was bisexual. And no, I was not interested in her in the slightest, but I also wanted to tell her that I had multiple loves in my past (I had no idea of poly back then and nonmonogamy was absolutely out of the question).

I so desperately wanted to be like everyone else.

I was 37.

My feeling of being an “outsider” has been with me my whole life. I’ve always felt odd and weird compared to all my friends, classmates, and doctors. I was the one who had purple hair at a conservative college. I was the one who wore black and smoked a cigarette my first day of Medical School. I was the one with all the piercings (we are talking early 1990’s here) that my patients would identify me by them.

I pretended to own it but really I always felt alone and awkward.

When D fell in love with me, I felt that I was finally going to be like everyone else. I was going to get married, have children, own a house, have a dog.

But I still didn’t fit in.

At 45, (the miraculous 40’s when women find themselves), Rollar Derby saved my soul. It also broke my back, but it was worth it.

Finding myself meant owning my “weirdness”. It meant that I didn’t HAVE to be like everyone else. But to gain myself I had to sacrifice and shed and move past so fucking much.

So this is why I can stand up and speak my truth. I am a direct, ambitious, committed and powerful woman. I will not be who you want me to be. Yeah, I’m a doctor. Yeah, I’m a mother. Yeah, I am a business owner.

I am also a sex-positive bisexual big woman who does not have to be like you.

And I will still love you no matter what.

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