I realized during my guest appearance on the NPR show, was that I am not mainstream. I know, this is obvious to everyone, but it still surprises me at times.
This also means that I have never dated in the mainstream world.
I did a role play with “a man who will deflect answering the STI status question while making you to feel weird for asking him.” I played it the way I would in real life: “I will consider sex only with barriers (including for oral) until (or if you recently had) an STI test.” The other person play acted to manipulate me, but I just answered, “It was nice getting to know you, but we are not a good match.“
(Now it probably wasn’t exactly this, but the essence of it. )
I am not sure that I “did it right”, in fact I felt that I did it wrong, but they wanted to give people a “script” they could follow. I did it in the only way I know how, by setting clear boundaries and caring about my health and the health of my lovers enough to not be manipulated by my [lust, need for validation, people pleasing, fear, attraction to the person, name your shadow]. So I gave them a script, even if it kinda seems unrealistic to many people who would be listening to this show.
When I later deconstructed this with a male friend, he said something like, “this happens all the time, and we (usually) can get some kind of sex without a condom because most people don’t know how to maintain their boundaries or can be dissuaded that STI status really matters.”
I am not sure if I did the role play the way they wanted, because honestly, I have never had anyone try to talk me into thinking STI status doesn’t matter. Being in the trenches of sex positive communities, really has it’s benefits. The STARS Talk isn’t something strange or asking for something crazy, but in the mainstream, it is a real stretch.
Am I trying too hard to convince “everyone” that sexual self-awareness, which includes all the elements of STARS, can make our world a better place?
Am I deluding myself that people are ready or even want this?
Is patriarchy so entrenched that the reality of sexual sovereignty seems impossible? I mean, why is it “normal” that someone can shame you for asking their STI status and still gets a blow job? Why does it have to be people raised as girls who need to set the bar? Maybe we are tired of being the gatekeepers.
So, I get kinda down about this and realize, I don’t have to change the world. I don’t need to convince anyone.
The STARS Talk concept IS aspirational.
And those that are ready to hear it, do.
It IS making a difference and people DO use it.
And I don’t have to try and be mainstream, well, because I am not.
I don’t need to famous, or liked, or even listened to.
But I have this crazy idea I am super passionate about because I believe, for those ready to hear it, will make the world a little kinder, a little sexier, and a lot more fun.
(I will share the link to the podcast when it comes out. Probably towards the end of March or April).
Much love and blessings,
Evalene
Feel free to reach out to me, I would love to keep in touch via Instagram @SexMedDoc and @MakeTimeForTheTalk and via Facebook @ https://www.facebook.com/evelindacker/
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