I’ve been thinking a lot about polarity lately.
In this day and age of breaking down binaries, this feels really edgy.
As a life long feminist, pretty much second wave, I have often been proud of myself for having a lot of masculine qualities-ambition, authority, purpose…you get the gist.
I tended to be attracted to men who had more of a feminine quality to them, loving the genderfuckupery of it all. This felt radical and aligned with my desire to break the gender roles that often holds people back.
This year, I have been deconstructing my relationship patterns. I have looked deeper into the “why” I have so many masculine traits and my of attraction towards feminine men. I have been deconstructing the power dynamics that have existed in my relationships and evaluating how they have caused harm.
The trauma work I have done-especially this year with the teachings of Rachel Rickards, David Cates and Christian Pankhurst, I recognized that there has been a deeper reason for this so called masculinity I have been so proud of, and how it has actually held me back.
A friend recently told me that I need a “dude” who would actually be there for me-emotionally, physically, financially- someone who would place my safety and security at the forefront, so that I can relax and be in a better creative flow state. I laughed at how ridiculous this sounded, because I’ve never had any man ever take care of my emotional, financial, or safety needs.
I’ve always done it myself.
It is actually a trauma response to early childhood wounding.
Watching Rachel this year, taught me so much about feminine leadership and flow. The way she connects to her heart, mind, and body in a manner I have never had modeled before.
The messiness of imperfection.
The ability to allow others to hold you.
The sensuality of womanhood.
I want some of that.
I’m tired of holding it all.
Healing my trauma actually means that I release control, let go of my need to be so independent, stop being the director, and being able to receive-not just give.
In other words, allow my feminine nature to come to the forefront, giving space for the masculine to show itself.
While I am not using feminine or masculine as gender terms, more as archetypal qualities, I am speaking about polarities. I am going against my second wave feminism, not to diminish feminism in any way whatsoever, but to own my feminine nature as important to being in my true nature. The masculine qualities have actually held me back, diminished my creativity, burned me out, created unhealthy power dynamics, and never held my need for emotional safety a priority.
I’m not banishing them, for I will always have strong purpose and ambition, but I am ready to let go, be the Queen and not the King, and see how opening up to my femininity can bring me into a healthier flow.
This is part of my trauma healing.
To relax, allow and be held.
And to know that is true strength.
The Divine Feminine is worthy of that.
I am worthy of that.
Much love and blessings,
Evelin
Feel free to reach out to me, I would love to keep in touch via Instagram @SexMedDoc and @MakeTimeForTheTalk, via Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/evelindacker/ and via email at evelinmd@gmail.com
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